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Aquarius Jan. 20 – Feb. 18: You have an inventive Mind and are inclined to be progressive. You lie a great deal. On the other hand, you are inclined to be careless and impractical causing you to make the same mistakes repeatedly. Everyone thinks you are stupid.
Pisces Feb. 19 – Mar. 20: You have a vivid imagination and often think you are being followed by the CIA and FBI. You have minor influence over your associates and people resent you for flaunting your power. You lack confidence and are generally a coward. Pisces people screw small animals.
Aries Mar. 21 – Apr. 19: You are the pioneer type and hold most people in contempt. You are quick tempered, impatient, and scornful of advice. You are a prick.
Taurus Apr. 20 – May 19: You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged determination and work like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and bullheaded. You are nothing but a goddamned COMMUNIST.
Gemini May 20 – June 20: You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you because you are bisexual. However, you are inclined to expect too much for to little. This means you are cheap. Gemini’s are notorious for thriving on incest.
Cancer June 21 – July 22: You are sympathetic and understanding to other people’s problems. They think you are a sucker. You are always putting things off, and that is why you’ll always be on welfare and never worth a shit.
Leo July 23 – Aug. 22: You consider yourself a born leader. While others think you are pushy. Most Leo’s are bullies. You are vain and cannot tolerate honest criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people are always thieving bastards.
Virgo July 23 – Aug. 22: You are the logical type and late disorder. This nit picking is sickening to your friends. You are cold and unemotional and often fall asleep while making love. Virgo’s make excellent bus drivers and pimps.
Libra Sep. 23 – Oct. 21: You are the artistic type and have a difficult time with reality. If you are a man, you are more than likely queer, Changes of employment and monetary gains are excellent. Most Libra women are excellent whores. All Libra’s die of venereal disease.
Scorpio Oct. 23 – Nov. 21: You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You shall achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics. You are a true blue son-of-a-bitch. Most Scorpio’s are murdered.
Sagittarius Nov. 22 – Dec. 22: You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless tendency to rely on luck since you lack talent. The majority of Sagittarians are drunks or dope fiends. People laugh at you a great deal because you are always getting fucked.
Capricorn Dec. 23 – Jan. 19: You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You don’t do much of anything and you are lazy. There has never been a Capricorn of any importance. Capricorn’s should avoid standing still for long periods of time, as they tend to attract pigeons.
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