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 Roadkill Cookbook
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Great QuotesSome epic quotes... Smile, everyone loves a moron. "Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps." - Tiger Woods Baptists: only trouble is, they don't hold them under long enough. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive. Computer problems? Have you checked the loose nut in front of the keyboard? This sentence contradicts itself: no, wait, actually it doesn't. If it wasn't for muscle spasms, I wouldn't get any exercise at all. Death and taxes are inevitable; at least death doesn't get worse every year. Hey! Who took the cork off my lunch??! Bigamy: one wife too many. Monogamy: same thing. ASCII a stupid question, get a stupid ANSI! Welcome to the Church of the Holy Cabbage. Lettuce pray... Southern DOS: Y'all reckon? (yep/Nope) This may not be idiot proof, but at least it's dimwit resistant. To err is human, to forgive is not Company Policy. Why can't DOS ever say "Excellent command or filename"? Why buy shampoo when real poo is still free? If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right? My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right. Computer Upgrade: Take old bugs out, put new ones in. It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too. A husband is someone who takes out the trash and gives the impression he just cleaned the whole house. I've gone to find myself. If I should return before I get back, please ask me to wait. Children are natural mimics who act like their parents despite every effort to teach them good manners. And on the eighth day God said, "O.K. Murphy: you take over." If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap? If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it? Women: Can't live with them, can't get them to dress up in a skimpy Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash. If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something. The most common form of marriage proposal: "YOU'RE WHAT!?" I personally think we developed language because of our deep inner need to complain. I don't have a license to kill. I have a learner's permit. 2 + 2 = 5 (for extremely large values of 2). (Narrator's voice:) There Steve sits, reading a magazine. Suddenly the telephone rings! The bathroom explodes into a veritable maelstrom of toilet paper, with Steve in the middle of it, his arms wind milling at incredible speeds! Will he make it in time? Alas no, his valiant effort is in vain. The bell hath sounded. Thou must leave a message. See, the problem is that God gives men a brain AND a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time. -- Robin Williams 100,000 sperm and YOU were the fastest? Best file compression around: "DEL *.*" = 100% compression. Your mouse has moved. Windows NT must reboot for changes to take effect. [ OK ] Unix, BASIC, C, PASCAL, APL, ADA, and PROFANITY spoken here. BREAKFAST.COM Halted... Cereal Port Not Responding. e-i-e-i-o: A gross misspelling of the word 'farm'. An English professor wrote on the blackboard: Punctuate this sentence - 'Woman without her man is nothing'. The men wrote: 'Woman, without her man, is nothing.' All the women wrote: 'Woman! Without her, man is nothing.' When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say? How can there be self-help GROUPS? If quitters never win, and winners never cheat, who's the idiot that said: "Quit while you're ahead?" If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too? Why do banks charge you a 'insufficient funds fee' on money they already know you don't have? When you're swimming in the creek, And an eel bites your cheek, That's a moray! I love to give homemade gifts... which one of my kids do you want? He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don't let that fool you. He really is an idiot. - Groucho Marx
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